Okay folks,
Here's a little bit of news from the NArmy side of the house... NArmy, that's what you get when you combine Navy and Army and it's become a running joke throughout both Iraq and Asscrackistan - as we affectionately refer to our current duty assignment/location. I've heard that NArmy T-shirts are now available for purchase, but I can't seem to get my hands on any, so if anyone knows where I can get some, please let me know.
One of the Army Majors that I work with has introduced me to a new word: Afghantastic. Obviously, this is a catch all - filled, or should I say "overflowing" or even "cascading" with sarcasm. For example, "how are you doing today" to which one might reply, "I'm AFGHANtastic!" Usually this means that things probably couldn't be worse, but we're making the best of it.
Another example might be in reference to the quality of things here, like "the chow is AFGHANtastic today..." meaning that unless you cover it w/ ketchup, tobasco or some other condiment - you'll be sorry... Today I had the NArmy version of the McRib. That's the processed pork patty formed into what I can only guess is supposed to look like a short rack of ribs. I'm sure you've all seen these at some point. I made an AFGHANtastic sandwich slathered in mayo and added a slice of cheese and tomato - by the way, the bread here is AFGHANtastic, too. Imagine leaving a loaf out unwrapped for a day or so, so that its nice and dry and crumbly... I got to watch a tape delayed version of a crummy football game while I ate, so that helped to take my mind off my not so delicious NArmy McRib sandwich.
I thought it would be fun to share my latest discovery (okay, not exactly "latest" as I've known about it for weeks, but now have digital images to share...) of my AFGHANtastic living arrangements. Let me regress for a moment and explain that when I first got here I had this horribly warped mattress that leaned drastically to one side. Probably due to the previous resident sitting on the edge of the bed more than once to tie their shoes, or some other horribly destructive behavior... I inquired about getting another mattress and our Navy Senior Chief in charge of "billeting" informed me that we actually had some brand new mattresses, and he could get me one!! As you can imagine, I was quite pleased with this - initially. This brand new mattress served me well for at least a few weeks, maybe even an entire month.
But, as all good things must come to an end, this too, could only provide limited euphoria as my "brand new" mattress also proved to
be AFGHANtastic;
You see, it just so happens that these four springs - which protrude SIDEWAYS out of the side of my mattress anywhere from 3/4 of an inch to now 1.5 inches - are what I imagine SHOULD be providing support for this amazingly uncomfortable, brand new piece of crap mattresse. Not only have I managed to gouge and scrape both legs/shins and/or thighs on these pointy little buggers, I have also discovered that there at least two disjointed springs poking directly into my ribs and the small of my back. 
I find it quite odd that the springs in a mattress could A) be so small, as these are probably only a 1/2 inch in diameter, B) manage to actually turn 90 degrees, and C) actually tear thru the side of a mattress and then tear thru my sheets... These must be some seriously AFGHANtastic springs to be able to do such things. The factory that produces these mattresses must have some very stringent Quality Assurance measures in place to ensure that only the best springs are used and placed in such a way as to possibly puncture the leg of a US sevicemember and render them "combat ineffective." This must be a secret Taliban covert operation, ya think?
Needless to say, I'm having a wonderful time here on my Afghan vacation, learing new things - like how to evade and escape murderous mattress springs, new and interesting NArmy Jargon - like AFGHANtastic and Asscrackistan, dining on five star cuisine such as the NArmy McRib and the joys of five day old, "tape delayed" versions of Troy State or Central Florida football games, played for our viewing pleasure.
In the words of the great Jimmy Buffet, "The weather is here, wish you were beautiful."
"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." I guess that might be true, as long as their not sleeping in an AFGHANtastic bed, with springs poking out the sides and digging into their SPLEEN!!
