My disguise

The common man is also a barber - did you know that? So the other day I decided that my hair was entirely too long. I think in part because Major McIlhaney ("Mack") said "the 70's called and they wanted their hairdo back..." By the way, Mack was a Navy Pilot, but got out and recently joined the Nat'l Guard, so he's relatively okay. He doesn't QUITE fit into the common man category, and since he arrived here as a Captain and just recently put on O-4 he hasn't turned into a total pain in the ass just yet. His operation is not scheduled for a few more weeks. Operation you ask?? Yeah, they have to go in and remove most of his brain and pull his entire spine out. I hear it's quite painful. That's why they all have funny haircuts - didn't you know that? The hair won't grow below the scar...
By the way, taking pictures of your head is a lot harder than it looks...



The scar is where they had to unscrew the top of the head in order to remove the brain and spinal column. Then they take out the "automatic response" portion of the brain, pre-program it with "yes, sir! that's a great idea!" the "yes, sir! that great idea was mine!" (even though it wasn't), and of course, the "No sir, my subordinate must have screwed that up..." responses. They take that one or two ounces of pre-programmed brain matter, toss it back in, screw the lid back on and their ya have it. The common soldier.



Some people say this is my "best side," but I'm not quite sure what they mean by that...? Maybe it's cuz I actually have a decent shaped brain-bucket w/o a lot of scars all over it. Probably, tho - it's cuz they'd much rather see me going than coming... ya think?





The Marines have a similar procedure, but they only keep about 1/3 of an ounce and it is only pre-programmed with "YES, SIR!!" and "NO, SIR!!" - I never figured out what the requirement for the maximum volume of these responses, maybe the hearing gets removed in the other 2/3 oz that the Army allows...?




This is Ryan, he's the Chair Force guy I work with (I can say that, cuz he really is "Chair Force.") His job is to sit around in the bottom of a silo reading porn and studying for his masters. This is what the Air Farce pays their people to do... Tragic, I tell ya...





This is his lobotomy scar. The one I mentioned in my last BLOG, so I thought I would show everyone what one looks like...


So, this common barber that I went to was not quite sure how to cut the hair of someone who's hair actually grows below the scar (ridgeline of the scalp) since he'd never had to do so before. So when I said "please cut it STRAIGHT up the sides, taper it in at the top and just take about a 1/4 inch off the top" what he heard was the standard, "shave my head, numbnutz!! Just take them clippers there, make a ring around my head - where that scar is, there - and shave it! Shave it all!" so he said, "Yes, Sir! That's a great idea!" And this is what happened...



But here's the positive side: See, over here I have to constantly find "the positive side" to things... Like working 16 hour days seven days a week - what's the positive side you ask? Well, the time sure goes by quicker... And I never have to think to myself, "Gee Self, what should you do with this 15 minutes of free time you have?" Cuz I just don't have to make those really TOUGH decisions anymore... So, back to the positive side of the "common haircut" - I have realized what a phenominal disguise this is. I can actually walk among them - the common men that live and work within this camp - undisturbed and unnoticed. I've been amazed at the conversations that I've heard, now that I can roam freely with them.


"Uh, yes sir! That's a great idea..." and "hey, that idea was mine, sir" it's simply amazing what you can learn when they are actually acting on their own, in their true environment. There is also a lot of grunting, ball scratching and nose picking. This must be how Jane Goodall felt. Simply amazing. See, there really is a positive side to everything.



And now that I have the "common haircut" I don't think my bosses really expect much from me, and are not surprised or disappointed, much less distracted, when I come charging into the office clad in nothing more than tighty whities and brandishing one green and one orange squirt gun in each hand, with my "back-up" secretly tucked down the back of my waistband, by the way, that one is purple.... Now just so none of you are totally alarmed by the thought of this, I haven't exactly done it yet, although the consideration does exist - and I promise to send pictures... I'm just saying that I don't think it would quite be enough for them to consider sending me home for psychological reasons - and even if it were - that's right, you're catching on... There's a positive side to everything.


















By the way, this is where I work: BURKA AIR... Our motto is "Your guess is as good as ours!!" And this is the "Number Puller" for those waiting in line... Yes, that's an actual grenade.

Toodles,

MickMurphy

Happy Birthday...to me!!

So it is on the eve of my 29th birthday (again) that I write this entry. Yes, can you believe it, I'm turning 29 again. I certainly don't feel that old, but I guess there is just something about being around Army folks that makes me feel juvenile and sometimes, dare I say, infantile... I've includede some pictures to show just how juvenile we can be!

Yes, that is a Pirate bandana I'm wearing...

One of the Air Farce guys, Ryan, that works with me had a cyst on the side of his melon. The DOC here cut it open to remove it, but it left a 1 inch cut w/ maybe four or five stiches. He and I joked that it was the lobotomy he was required to have in order to work w/ the Army. We seem to think it quite hilarious, but for some reasone I don't think our Army superiors find it quite as humorous... Can't imagine why not?

This is Ehren - He's gone now, but he sure enjoyed that BLUE lolli-pop!!

I anxiously await the beginning of the Husky football game, which will actually be televised. I honestly believe that the DAWGS have a chance at this one, considering that they are a much better team than anyone expected, AND they are playing at home before what I am sure to be a capacity crowd. But let's not get side tracked here, let's talk about me some more...


I will be turning 29 again, tomorrow, and I hope that you will all consider me for a moment during your day. If you're out and about watching football, working in the yard, slaving over a hot stove - just please take a few seconds, minutes, even an hour or two, hell, the whole day for that matter, and dedicate some thoughts to yours truly. Believe me, you will be better for it.


I haven't received all of my presents yet, but I'm sure that they are just delayed in the mail system. I do appreciate all of you sending me stuff. That was very kind. When I'm rich and famous - after I write and sell my book about the NArmy - I will invite you to all of my parties...


All joking aside, I can honestly say that I am not exactly where I had hoped, expected, dreamed or much less wanted to be at this point in my life. Never, not once, did I ever think to myself, "Self, I sure would like to have an all expense paid trip to Afghanistan, where every single day is exactly the same, where I don't get a single minute of flight time, not a drop of Irish Nectar - okay, maybe a few drops - but that I am so busy that I often don't have time to workout, read a book or God forbid, post an entry in my BLOG.


I'll admit, I'm feeling a bit depressed, now that I think about it, and can only hope I can hold off a complete "spill" into the abyss until November when I get to take two weeks of leave. I hope that the improvements I have made in the Air Travel system will ease the workload and improve (limit) my day to day stress, allow more time in the gym, for reading and/or for general mayhem. I recently received some squirt guns from my squadron, so I hope to put them to good use... Did I mention being here sometimes (often) leads to juvenile behavior? Maybe it's all the sugar...

For example, this is about 2 million in Afghani funds, which equals about $8.37 US. Okay, actually it is more like $45k. This was a birthday gift from an Afghan Warlord - no it wasn't. My God, you'll believe anything... Oh, note to self: Self - the tough guy look makes you look more like Jay Leno than Tony Soprano... No more "tough guy face" - Check? Check! Now put that money back in the safe...

The fact that football season has finally arrived gives me something to look forward to, and as I think a few months into the future and the last football game being played - I will have but a month or so left in this Godforsaken land. Thank God for pigskin!

That's a picture of a few guys tossing the pigskin at dusk - just in case you can't quite see it!!

The time here has not really been that bad, for the most part it really and truly is "AFGHANtastic!" There is plenty here to make me laugh - usually something from the "common man" or funny and strange tales that we share while sitting around in the dining hall. I really need to take a few more pictures to share, and I'm not sure if it will work but I will try to post some video here that people can watch. Please let me know if you're able to download and view...


Hopefully this works - it's a C-130 taking off and then it completely engulfs me in dust & sand... I've titled it: Sand Blast!!


Nope that didn't work... I hope you enjoyed it, anyway. It was really cool. You are very welcome!! Don't mention it... Okay, if you really want to see it, email me and I will send it to you. This BLOG page won't seem to accept my Sand Blast! video... I will continue to try to improve my computer illiteracy that maybe someday I will actually be able to accomplish such simple tasks as adding video to my blog. Maybe I'll be able to figure out how to do this by my 29th birthday next year... Prob'ly not.


Well, I'm off to call my parents in Hawaii so they can wish me Happy Birthday - somehow that seems so backwards... Having to call people so that they can wish me happy birthday. Oh well, I'm desperate for love and attention, so I'll just assume that you are all thinking about me for the next 24 hours, rushing around buying me gifts, etc. But please, nothing too extravagant - please limit yourselves to $100, okay, $200 is fine - when making those purchases. Really, it means a lot to me. Thank you, in advance for all your love and attention tomorrow. And don't forget, prayers are free!!


If my camera worked, I would post a picture here of me charging off to hunt rascals w/ my four remaining squirt guns, but the batteries are dead, so you'll just have to imagine it. And, here's a goofy picture of a guy on a mule instead...
Here's another one...

AFGHANtastic!!!

Okay folks,

Here's a little bit of news from the NArmy side of the house... NArmy, that's what you get when you combine Navy and Army and it's become a running joke throughout both Iraq and Asscrackistan - as we affectionately refer to our current duty assignment/location. I've heard that NArmy T-shirts are now available for purchase, but I can't seem to get my hands on any, so if anyone knows where I can get some, please let me know.


One of the Army Majors that I work with has introduced me to a new word: Afghantastic. Obviously, this is a catch all - filled, or should I say "overflowing" or even "cascading" with sarcasm. For example, "how are you doing today" to which one might reply, "I'm AFGHANtastic!" Usually this means that things probably couldn't be worse, but we're making the best of it.


Another example might be in reference to the quality of things here, like "the chow is AFGHANtastic today..." meaning that unless you cover it w/ ketchup, tobasco or some other condiment - you'll be sorry... Today I had the NArmy version of the McRib. That's the processed pork patty formed into what I can only guess is supposed to look like a short rack of ribs. I'm sure you've all seen these at some point. I made an AFGHANtastic sandwich slathered in mayo and added a slice of cheese and tomato - by the way, the bread here is AFGHANtastic, too. Imagine leaving a loaf out unwrapped for a day or so, so that its nice and dry and crumbly... I got to watch a tape delayed version of a crummy football game while I ate, so that helped to take my mind off my not so delicious NArmy McRib sandwich.


I thought it would be fun to share my latest discovery (okay, not exactly "latest" as I've known about it for weeks, but now have digital images to share...) of my AFGHANtastic living arrangements. Let me regress for a moment and explain that when I first got here I had this horribly warped mattress that leaned drastically to one side. Probably due to the previous resident sitting on the edge of the bed more than once to tie their shoes, or some other horribly destructive behavior... I inquired about getting another mattress and our Navy Senior Chief in charge of "billeting" informed me that we actually had some brand new mattresses, and he could get me one!! As you can imagine, I was quite pleased with this - initially. This brand new mattress served me well for at least a few weeks, maybe even an entire month.


But, as all good things must come to an end, this too, could only provide limited euphoria as my "brand new" mattress also proved to be AFGHANtastic;

You see, it just so happens that these four springs - which protrude SIDEWAYS out of the side of my mattress anywhere from 3/4 of an inch to now 1.5 inches - are what I imagine SHOULD be providing support for this amazingly uncomfortable, brand new piece of crap mattresse. Not only have I managed to gouge and scrape both legs/shins and/or thighs on these pointy little buggers, I have also discovered that there at least two disjointed springs poking directly into my ribs and the small of my back.

I find it quite odd that the springs in a mattress could A) be so small, as these are probably only a 1/2 inch in diameter, B) manage to actually turn 90 degrees, and C) actually tear thru the side of a mattress and then tear thru my sheets... These must be some seriously AFGHANtastic springs to be able to do such things. The factory that produces these mattresses must have some very stringent Quality Assurance measures in place to ensure that only the best springs are used and placed in such a way as to possibly puncture the leg of a US sevicemember and render them "combat ineffective." This must be a secret Taliban covert operation, ya think?

Needless to say, I'm having a wonderful time here on my Afghan vacation, learing new things - like how to evade and escape murderous mattress springs, new and interesting NArmy Jargon - like AFGHANtastic and Asscrackistan, dining on five star cuisine such as the NArmy McRib and the joys of five day old, "tape delayed" versions of Troy State or Central Florida football games, played for our viewing pleasure.

In the words of the great Jimmy Buffet, "The weather is here, wish you were beautiful."

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." I guess that might be true, as long as their not sleeping in an AFGHANtastic bed, with springs poking out the sides and digging into their SPLEEN!!

9/11 Speech

Hello Everyone




It's now the 12th, the day after the sixth anniversary of 9/11. I'm thinking to myself and wondering - how many people back home really thought about the significance of this? How many observed a moment of silence for the innocents killed at the twin towers or the soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines that have lost their lives? How many considered the significance of the date?

Mostly I wonder because I had to watch the following video (http://www.gunstuff.com/america-attacked.html) to be reminded of how upset, angry, devistated and alarmed I had been that day. And I'm over here, in the home, the training grounds, the recruiting arena of Al Queda and the Taliban. Last year I watched a couple of things on the telly about it, and I think it was because it was the 5th Anniv. that it was so significant. I don't really remember anything from the 4th anniv. As Americans, are we (yes, I include myself) so quick to forget. I think about how the Nation united together and everyone had a flag and/or a yellow ribbon (okay, not everyone, but most) on their door, or tree, or bumper. Now the majority of the talk is about quitting, giving up, "we've been in Iraq/Afghanistan too long." I'd sure as hell rather not be over here... But then my CO here, Commander Gerlach, gave the following speech yesterday:



Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Today, September 11, 2007 marks six years since the United States was attacked by terrorist forces and plunged into the global war on terrorism.

Throughout the world, many people will give many speeches and describe how things have changed and what has happened since September 11, 2001. I’m going to ask you to do something a little different.

On this day, I’d like you to pause to take a moment to reflect upon what HAS NOT happened in the last six years. We have not witnessed the bombing of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. We have not witnessed gas attacks during rush hour in Philadelphia. We have not witnessed the attack on Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan during Superbowl 40. We have not witnessed the poisoning of the water supply in Houston, Texas. In short, nothing has happened. America has remained safe.

This is not by accident. As the president said shortly after 9/11, our intention is to take the fight to the enemy. We learned that America must confront threats before they reach our shores. Today, nations such as Afghanistan fight to keep their nations free from the domination of zealous ideologies.

Nations such as Iraq fight to impose the rule of law and bring an end to factional fighting. Many other governments are working hard to establish basic human rights and raise the standard of living of their people. But those battles, both military and ideological are being fought in Kabul and Kandahar and Baghdad and Khartoum, not in New York or Washington or Chicago.

Remind yourself of that anytime you wonder if you are making a difference here during your tour in Afghanistan. Of course you are. But more importantly, you are making a difference in the United States as well. That difference is conspicuous by its absence. Newspapers can’t report events that don’t happen. No one writes novels about wars that were never fought. And television does not provide around-the-clock coverage of disasters that never happened.

Although six years ago today, many people would have thought it impossible, today Americans are able to go about their business and resume normal lives free from the fear of further attack. This is only possible because of you and those that have come before you to spread freedom and democracy around the world. You have taken the battle to the enemy. You have kept America safe. Thank you for serving your country with honor, courage and commitment.

It struck quite a chord with me, cuz just the day before my co-worker Ryan and I were complaining about being over here as "glorified travel agents," and "what were we really doing to make things better?" On one hand, I regret that Americans seem to return to their lives so quickly - myself too - and probably don't stop to consider the significance often enough. At the same time, as CDR Gerlach says, "today Americans are able to go about their business and resume normal lives, free from the fear of further attack. " It pleases me to know that Americans once again feel safe and secure and that the sacrifices we are making and our efforts abroad are able to provide such feelings of security. I just hope that it's not too premature and that Americans don't forget the Taliban spent years preparing their attacks.

Since 9/11/2001 there have been terrorist attacks in London, India, and Spain, attempts were thwarted in Germany, France, and the US. I for one would rather be over here taking the fight to the enemy and fighting our battles on his home turf, rather than in the cities of America and on our streets and in our homes.

Have we become too content, are we so saturated w/ "instant gratification?" This region has been at war for decades and our citizens think we've been here too long? Can we expect to change things in six years? How long will it take? I wish I knew, but I think it will take several generations for our efforts to take root. I only hope we can make enough of an impact and build a strong enough foundation and enough stability for them to move out on their own... Muslim Extremists will always exist and will always teach their beliefs, I only hope that we can build strong enough governments, security and police forces - as well as schools, hospitals, orphanages and infrastructure - that the people of these two nations will fight against the extremists if only to protect their own "new" way of life.

God Bless and take care,
Michael

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf" - George Orwell is often credited with this quote, however the true origin is unknown