AAaaaarmy Training, SIR!!

Well, I said earlier that I would go back and fill in some of the gaps from training... So here goes. My arrival and the initial Hell I was subjected to was described in an earlier blog, so I won't go into that again. Our first week was spent up on "Custer Hill" in a relatively central part of Fort Riley. Mind you, Fort Riley is about 7 million square miles of nothing, okay, maybe only six million. This week was comprised mostly of administrative check-in, in processing and briefings. Pretty boring, and aside from it being very cold and VERY windy, things weren't too bad.

Then we moved down to Camp Funston. In order to make our training somewhat realistic, this section of the base has been built to simulate a FOB (forward operating base) - much like the one where I currently reside. My team moved into a 40 man, open bay barracks. In case that isn't descriptive enough, this is a large room, about 25 feet by 75 feet with ten bunk beds on each wall. There were two tall "wall lockers" next to each rack for us to put our stuff in. Luckily for us, there were only ten of us. We shared this bay with one other team, and for the first few weeks we also shared with some very interesting Special Operations types. I mentioned them previously, but will discuss them in more detail some other time...

Camp Funston is maybe 1/2 mile by a 1/2 mile completely congested with "temporary" facilities. All of our classrooms were the equivalent of double-wide trailer homes, split into four classrooms, or three and an office. We often referred to our classes, and/or briefs as "death by power point" as we would sit in a room for hours on end watching slide after slide after slide after slide... You get the picture (pun intended....). Then once in awhile there would be a funny video, or a really serious video, with IED's demolishing Armored vehicles... Firefights in Baghdad, etc. One guy in my class spent six months in Sadr City which was one of the worst cities in Iraq and was engaged in daily fire fights for almost 4 months. There is a book about his company which I meant to buy and have him sign for me. Guess I'll have to do that thru Amazon.

Anyway, back to camp life. I cannot begin to express my disstain for the individuals that designed our training program. I won't even try to explain the number of wasted man hours we spent sitting around doing absolutely nothing. I'll have to go back and find the letter I wrote describing the range day - it's too painful a memory for me to even consider rewriting that horrible episode. The best way I can describe my training is with an analogy. Let's say that for several days I spoke to you in Spanish (or, if you speak Spanish - how 'bout Hungarian - pretty sure none of you speak that...) So I speak to you, maybe I should say "at you," for a few days about a particular subject, then hand you a test. Once you've failed this test miserably, I will sit down with you, still speaking some Hungarian, some English, and explain how badly you did. What are you supposed to take away from this? Nothing more really than a check in the block. This is done simply for the fact that the senior brass can go before a Senate Committee and claim, "Every single one of our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines were trained in Convoy Tactics, Combat Life Saving, Crew Served Weapons, IEDs, Foot Patrols, blah blah blah blah..." And the truth is, we were "EXPOSED" to this, but NOT trained.

Example: One day we were given the mission to rendezvous at the prisoner holding area, embark on a foot patrol to the North to link up with our ANA (Afghan Nat'l Army) counterparts at a TCP (traffic control point) [see what I mean about "Hungarian?" Everything is an acronymn with these people], but that we needed to be aware that there was a mortar pit somewhere to the West of the TCP. Well, we headed out in our 75 freakin' pounds of extra gear at approx 09:00 for about a 1/4 mile up the road, before a "stolen" Hummvee sped around the corner shooting at us from a M240 machine gun mounted in it's turret (pictured above, but w/ me at the trigger, of course). One of our observers tapped two guys and said that they were hit. Now we begin the Combat Life Saving exercise. Once our two members are properly bandaged and its determined that they can still walk, we leave the road... oh wait, the Hummvee came cruising past for one more full volley... Okay, back to the march, we decide to leave the road and venture into the woods, opting to attack the mortar pit prior to our rendezvous w/ ANA.

So here we are wandering thru the woods, when VERY LOUD concussions start happening all around us. I'm told by one observer that if the enemy starts lobbing mortars at you that you should move toward it, running in 25 to 50 meter sprints - two at a time. Thanks, might've been a nice piece of information to have BEFORE the mortars started raining on top of us?!?! At this point the guy who is supposed to be in charge of the team decides to STOP making ANY decisions whatsoever... The dynamic that we decided to operate under was two five man teams, Red and Blue. I was Blue Team Leader and Red team's leader was also the assault team commander [sound Hungrian to you?]. Another guy, that decided he knows more than everyone else - cuz in reality he did - starts barking out orders.

I'm just trying to maneuver my team thru this freakin' forest, and of course we wound up with worse terrain, more trees, bushes, fallen logs criss-crossing our path, not to mention, the longer route around to the mortar pit. Red team engages the enemy first, so we can hear shooting, and "Alpha Male" still yelling orders as we push thru. Now he's yelling at me to get my team into position. I'm about to die from heat exhaustion and can barely walk... Sweat is dripping into my eyes, and my goggles are fogged from the persperation, so I can barely see.

I continue to direct my team, leap-frogging one or two at a time, when out of nowhere two bad guys - actually a bad guy and a bad girl posing as Bonnie and Clyde, okay, not really cuz they were dressed in sheets - and the only thing that indicated they weren't ghosts and I had NOT in fact died of Heat Stroke was the AK-47s they were pointing our direction... The guy on my right pumped about seven rounds (that's about 5 too many) into the woman on the right. I dropped to a knee and put two in the guys head to my left. We moved out... Sounds WAY cooler than it was. A little way further we hear Red team re-engage, but "Alpha Male" is still yelling commands - no word now from "mute boy" for at least 20 minutes. I can see that they're kind of pinned down, but I keep my team pressing ahead, cuz I can see another mortar pit up ahead.

We assault what appears to be a large metal shipping container that was being used as a shelter, and we're almost all close in using it for cover when the observer drops a sim-round, which goes BANG!! - really loud - and tells my guy that he's been hit by shrapnel in the gut. I call for covering fire, take one other guy and run over and drag this guy back to the shelter. I have another guy assess his injuries and start administering aid. We try, horribly, to get out a "9-line" radio call for a medevac. Meanwhile I'm trying to get in touch with mute boy, but after about seven attempts I think he's probably dead (simulated, of course or maybe from heat exhaustion) and send a runner to link up with Red team. Red team moves forward to our position, my guy dies in the meantime and we assault the final mortar pit mutually. Later I found out that mute boy was not dead, not even injured... Turns out that he was(is) just mentally incapacitated (not simulated, of course)

So, we get down to our AAR (After Action Report) - this should be called the YSR (You Suck Royally) - debrief where the observers, with acute detail and exceptional memory, describe every last aspect of how badly we did. No bad deed goes unnoticed, in other words. Taking into consideration that we had never done this, I thought we'd done a bang-up job. Boy, was I wrong... We were informed that the entire group probably would've been wiped out... We never met the objective of meeting up with the ANA. Our 9-line report never went out - wait, yes it did, it just stunk and they couldn't hear us... I think I passed out at this point...

Needless to say, I had major issues with the training occurring after the exercise - in the form of a critique which could almost be summed up in three words, "you guys suck." The point of this, though, is that NONE of us will be doing any foot patrols, assaulting mortar pits or running around the woods in 80 lbs of heavy ballistic armor. I think I was more at risk of death running around those woods than I am sitting here writing Blogs for several hours a day...

Another typical thing was putting the important training in the wrong order... We did MOUT, which I can't remember what that stands for, but its where "fire teams" consisting of four men clear buildings, one room at a time (also pictured above). We actually did this for several days, and the last day we did it with paint pellets and two teams assaulted another team in a small village. It was actually really fun. Then three days later we did training on close quarters weapon handling and shooting on the move... Shouldn't that have come FIRST?!?!!!

I said before, "don't confuse the Army with common sense." Even the Army guys were upset, amazed, disgruntled, what-have-you. Mostly, I think, they were embarrassed. Still, I stand by my conviction that "the Army packed 14 days of QUALITY training into a ten week course."

Anyway, here's some cool pictures - for your viewing pleasure... (uh, most of them are above...)

Letter to the Command

I was lucky enough to be able to take 10 days of leave just prior to reporting so I could go home and visit family and friends, as well as attend my close friends, Geoff and Alicia's, wedding. After my arrival at Fort Riley, Kansas I wrote a quick note to my command with a brief update. Here is what it said:

My leave in Seattle was terrific, and my friend's wedding was spectacular. The wedding was at the W hotel in Seattle, and we stayed there Fri and Sat nights. Enjoyed my time w/ family and friends - at least that's what they tell me... Hiccup...

After departing Seattle the fun really started. My flight arrived in Kansas City at 23:58. The rental car companies close at midnight, and the shuttle service stops running at 21:00. Since the base is about 135 miles West of the airport, a taxi is out of the question... There was a Chief that arrived a few hours before me that was in the same boat, and luckily we were able to communicate prior to my departure from Denver (layover) after the Senior Navy LNO put the two of us in touch. Chief tried to rent a car, but because they all rent by region here, they wouldn't allow a "one way" rental. He did manage to get authorization for us to stay in a hotel for the night.

After arrival and check in, I finally got to bed at around 00:45 anxiously awaiting my 04:30 wakeup call. We arrived back at the airportat about 05:40 and had to wait outside w/ our 8 bags in the freezing cold (we took turns running inside to try and thaw out) until the"Roadrunner" shuttle arrived. The trip to Ft. Riley took about 2 1/2hours, but I was in a minor coma for most of the trip. Then as we rolled into Junction City, the shuttle driver said that he wouldn't be taking us to base, but that a cab would be waiting. Actually, what that really meant was that we got to sit and wait for a half hour at this shitty little "headquarters" in a nasty part of town.

We finally arrived to base at the proper location a few minutes after 10:00. We were initially told that in-processing would begin at 09:00... Luckily, they got started late, and we didn't really miss much. LCDR Yeager, the Navy Liaison here, knew about our situation, so everyone was understanding w/ our tardiness.

The second day we went for our gear issue. The first of two, RFI, is the combat gear; helmet, flack vest, knee and elbow pads, warm wx and cold wx boots, goggles, backpack, etc., etc. Then we loaded up ourseabags and went next door for the second, CIF, issue. This included our sleeping bag kit (regular, cold wx and waterproof bags along w/ a stuff sack), poncho, poncho liner, four more sets of BDUs, and... Three more pair of boots. I have seven pair of boots now... take one guess how many actually fit... Okay, after shoving an extra set of inserts from one set into another I managed to get two pair that fit pretty well...

This leads to the next part of the story... The size boot that I really needed, the 9W was completely out of stock. I tried boots from 8WW all the way to 10R & 10N and wouldn't ya know it, they were all different, depending upon the manufacturer. The 9 1/2 R were too small, but there was only one manufacturer in that size. The 9 R was better, if I got acertain brand. Needless to say, while I patiently (NOT) tried on about 30 pairs of boots, the last few members of the team finished up with all of their gear and headed for the bus.

Another member came in and informed me that they were going to go so the team could get chow, and that he'd wait with me (aw, how sweet...). He actually thought he was being helpful by bringing me a pair of the 9 1/2 boots to try on. I almost beat him to death w/ the boots, but decided to politely thank him for his assistance and explain that the other four pair of 9 1/2 didn't fit either... LT Lee has actually been quite helpful on a few other locations, as well. He's a reservist, but I just don't have the heart to explain that I've got 12 years of service now, and I've got a pretty good handle on things so far. (He really is asweetheart, though... Ppppffffftttttpp, hacckkkkkk, KKKaackkkkkk sorry- hairball...)

Fortunately for me, no one on the team thought it logical to grab my gear off the bus when they got back to the barracks... Not that I can blame them, as most members now had three seabags as well as a ruck-sackfull of shit that they had to lug up to their rooms on the third floor. I think everyone just thought that somebody else would be coming back for the gear. Thanks, mates...

Seeing as how this was the really important combat gear, not to mention it was made very clear to us that this was a "one time issue" and that we couldn't even go back and make exchanges - I was not at all concerned about getting my gear back... In fact, I pretty much figured that some Army Sergeants had "reconnoitered" my bag and were generously distributing it amongst their team. Fortunately, it only took about 28 (stress free, mind you.) hours to finally get my gear back.

Needless to say, my first few days were not terribly enjoyable, but I've begun to settle in to the Army way of life. Carrying my M-4 and 9MM everywhere I go, having to "clear" my weapon prior to entry into everybuilding, even though I have been nowhere near a single round... I'm getting used to the saying, "don't confuse the Army w/ common sense."

The entire class is about 150 strong, but we're broken into teams of roughly 16. We (ten Navy) were originally partnered up w/ four Air Farce officers, but they were recently splintered off and teamed up with six Army stragglers. I'm looking forward to all of the range time that we will get, and hear that we will qual on several different weapons. The M-4 and M-9 qualifications are on a "3-D" course meaning that you have to shoot, move, reload, shoot again, etc. A little more interesting than just standing in one spot shooting at a target.
I haven't bothered to dig out my camera and charge up the batteries, but will be sure to take some pictures soon, for your viewing pleasure.

Miss you all. Hugs and Kisses,

Murph

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the Spec Ops guys that they put in our barracks that our basically just here to pick up weapons, qualify and depart. There are five of them, a LT Col, an E-8, E-6 and two E-7s... They've been in a constant state of inebriation since they arrived last week, although I think they decided to take a day off today. I shared acouple of beers and a shot or two of Jaegermeister with them yesterday. I'm pretty sure they're all nuts, but I thought it better to join them vice getting a shiv in the middle of the night... So far so good.

My Anniversary...

Yesterday marked my one month anniversary in country. We had another KIA, making five in as many days. Three were from our AOR (Area of Responsibility), but were down South helping in the 205th. I went thru training with one of the guys. Very depressing to think he’d been here less than a month. 26, married, 6 year old daughter; just tragic.

Hit 120 degrees today, very nice. Loved it. Not only was it scorching hot, like the third ring of Hell, but I got to make a journey out to our dirt runway to pick up mail. Not surprising, considering that it was so hot, the bird was only 45 F-ing minutes late.




Had it been a mere 100 or less, they probably would’ve been early – as getting out of the office and off the base is usually a reward. But of course, it strangely becomes a massive penance when the ole thermometer starts creeping up into the 1teens or 120s… Maybe that's why they call it "Murphy's Law."



I was just mentioning to my father, that my “battle rattle” as we so affectionately call it – that is, the body armor that I wear – has two large ballistic plates that weigh about 15 lbs apiece. I wear a Kevlar helmet, approx 5 lbs and damned good at keeping the heat in… My M-4 rifle weighs about 10 lbs, and along with my pistol and 9 clips (Ooops, magazines... we get in trouble for saying, “clip”) I’m wearing over 50 lbs of additional gear, while I’m standing around in the 120 degree heat waiting for a plane that is 45 minutes late, thank you very much... Did I mention how much I love it here?
Despite drinking a bottle and a half of water at the runway, a Gatorade and two more waters when I returned to the office I was still severely dehydrated and came down with a MASSIVE headache. Pretty sure this would make a migraine look like prom night. Now some of you may not have had the same prom night I did, but I assure you, I was “feeling NO pain…”

I had intended on going back to my hootch for my one month anniversary and celebrating THAT depressing milestone with a Cuban cigar and a shot of contraband Jameson. Of course, by the time I finished my 14 hour day, I was so exhausted that I crawled into bed and “passed out” – unassisted by my Irish nectar.

In Country

After two and a half months of training I departed for Afghanistan. I'll have to go back and fill in some gaps from training, but let's just say that my favorite reply- when asked how it was - is that the Army did an AMAZING job of packing 14 days of quality training into ten weeks...

My Mom informed me that my family (I only have about 37 cousins and 25 Aunts and Uncles) were all asking about me and several had inquired about my address. Which, by the way is:
Murphy, M. B.
ARSIC - N / US Navy
Camp Mike Spann
Mazar - e - Sharif
APO AE 09354
(in case you'd like to send reese's peanutbutter cups, twix, skittles and/or red vines, wink wink oh, and gummy bears... YUM!)

So, I drafted the following letter to my family with a brief (not) description of my wonderful travel itenerary... Here ya go:

Hello Everyone,

I’m sorry that it has taken me so long to send an update, but here it is… I arrived in country about three weeks ago. My trip actually began in Kansas back on May 21. We boarded a tour bus at 2am and drove approx. eight hours to Dallas. Luckily I was able to get a few winks along the way. We were originally told that our flight was at 2pm, but check-in was at noon. This turned out to be incorrect, check-in was 1pm and the flight did not depart until about 7pm… Needless to say the ten plus hours spent waiting at the airport were less than stellar. Thankfully there was a USO which provided some food and drinks, and also had internet connections and movies for our viewing pleasure… I opted for the internet.

Our flight took us into Kuwait, where we arrived after a short layover in Budapest, but unfortunately we were not allowed to deplane. I believe this leg of the trip took about 13 hours, and again I managed a few hours of rest. The base in Kuwait is nothing more than a transient base, for people coming or going to/from theater. We promptly checked in and officially started our “time clocks” for our expected 365 days in country. Thankfully it was a little before midnight (I think it was a few minutes after 11p to be exact). I really would’ve hated to lose an entire day...

We then moved our gear into a 16 man tent – 8 bunk beds (metal, so they squeaked quite loudly) but at least I didn’t have a bunkmate. The temperature was a cool 115 the first day, so it was a refreshing transition to my days ahead. (That should read – holy cow it’s hot here!!) The base had a McDonalds, Pizza Hut and a Subway, but the food in the dining hall was actually pretty good, so I only grabbed a burger once when I missed dinner in the chow hall. There were several large tents there for “recreation” – two were MWR (morale, welfare and recreation) and the other was USO. The USO tent had a TV, several love seats and couches, about a dozen computers w/ free internet and some phones. One of the MWR tents had ping pong and pool tables, a large screen TV and phones and internet in the back. The other actually had a movie theater type setting with a pretty nice projection TV.

We spent three days in Kuwait before flying out to Baghram Air Force Base. We arrived at 11pm and were told that manifest for our flight the next day was 430am (sometimes referred to as Oh dark thirty…) so most of us just hung around at the USO building surfing the net, writing emails and watching movies. Of course, once we checked in at “Oh dark thirty” we were told there was no room on that flight, but we “should be able to get out on the 9am flight…” So, after another sleepless night we made another journey to Kabul where we waited four hours for our convoy to arrive. The convoy took us to Camp Phoenix where we spent three more days. Oh, by the way, the convoy ride to the camp was short, but one of the most bizarre experiences of my life. My understanding is that there are no “driver’s licenses” in this country… Never woulda guessed it. We actually had to drive in the median (not that the roads weren’t a complete disaster to begin with) and then pulled into oncoming traffic to get around several groups of other lunatic drivers… I found out that our policy is not to stop, ever… Wish I’d had my camera to take some video!

After my three days in Kabul I finally boarded a plane for a short one hour flight to Mazar-e-Sharif (MeS). Let me back up a moment so you can get the full grasp of my travel. To begin with, we each had four “seabags” and if you are not familiar, this is a large green duffle bag about 1 x 1 x 3 feet, and depending upon what’s inside it can weigh up to 100 lbs. Then we each had a “ruck sack” which is about 1.5 x 1.5 x 2 and typically weighs about 50 lbs. Mine of course had two of my armor plates in it, so was a tad heavier. We each had at least one backpack, a rifle case and a computer (laptop)/carry-on bag. So at each stop along the way we had to move all of these bags, sometimes two or three times. Not much fun, especially when it’s in the 100s…

For example, on my last day of travel, I got up at 3am, and after “the three S’s” ($h*t, shower and shave) we loaded our bags onto a truck and drove to the rendezvous point for the convoy to the airfield. We then unloaded the bags. Then we reloaded them onto different vehicles. Upon arrival at the airstrip we drove out to the plane and loaded them onto the plane. When we got to MeS airport they were driven on a pallet to the parking lot where we unloaded them, waited fifteen minutes and then reloaded them onto a truck. Once we arrived at camp, we carried them to our “temporary” barracks. Only to find out that permanent rooms were available, so we loaded them onto a truck, drove them across camp and unloaded them into our rooms. That was just the last day, and much of the rest of that week’s travel was quite similar.

This is just our gear - 14 bags, 2 rifle cases and 2 laptops

The camp here is relatively small. I’ve heard that it is 200 meters x 350 meters, but I don’t know how accurate that is. I will try to take pictures this week and post them on a Kodak.com photo album along with pictures from training. My initial job was going to be a roving LNO, or liaison officer, for two of the outlying FOBs (forward operating base). Luckily that changed, and I will now be working in the TOC (tactical operations center) where I will be dual-hatted and be responsible for portions of the Air/Ground operations and Intel. Luckily this will not require me to leave the base often, but unfortunately our hours are 8a-8p, seven days a week. Most of the camp only works a ½ day on Thur and has Friday off – and by this I mean that they change into PT gear (physical training) or shorts and t-shirts for you civilian types and are more or less “on call.”

We were much luckier than the team before us with regard to travel. Most of them had to stay in Kuwait, Kabul and Camp Phoenix for quite a bit longer than we did. This meant living out of their luggage for over two weeks, vice our 8 days of travel…

So what would everyone like to know??? Please drop a line w/ whatever questions you have, but I’ll try to cover the basics. Camp Mike Spann is small, as I mentioned, but lies on the NW corner of a medium sized ANA (Afghan National Army) base. We have our own landing pad and about a mile to the SE is a dirt runway. I took some video yesterday of a C-130 coming in and landing. Please let me know if you would like to see it, and/or if you have the bandwidth to support it.

We’re actually in a region that falls under German command, but we also have Swedish, Dutch, Croatian, and Finnish troops here locally. The last few days have been a nightmare, as I’m not only trying to learn my Air/Ground operations job, we were tasked to host a “Commander’s Conference” here in MeS. This is a monthy or quarterly Conference that moves throughout the country's regions. We expected some 100+ coalition forces and 50+ Afghani troops. It became a massive debacle because the people that were in charge of arranging inbound transportation (specifically this one ________ [insert bad word here] Air Farce Colonel) that did not do their jobs effectively. We were expecting four aircraft to come in at two different locations. Then one flight was cancelled at 8pm the night before. An additional flight was added at 545am the day of, so we went out the dirt strip and waited for an additional hour and the flight never showed. Several Generals were not confident (gee, I wonder why!) and made their own arrangements – however, no one bothered to notify us. We had one General’s aide call us and say, “we’re at the airport, where’s our ride?” We said, “Who are you and what airport are you at, and why weren’t we notified of your itinerary?” Then a flight of three H-60 Blackhawks (same helo I fly – broke my heart… I won't lie, I considered hijacking one of them.) flew in and one landed at our pad and dropped off a passenger (PAX). They arrived overhead during our scheduled “live fire” artillery event was supposed to be going on. Luckily it had been postponed, but seeing as how their flight path took them directly over the range several times, it would’ve been nice had somebody, ANYbody, bothered to contact us w/ their flight plans?!?!

Then, to make things worse, our entire network; land lines, internet, Siprnet (secret internet), Citrix, half the cell phones – we operate on two different systems and one was out, everything we needed to coordinate this mess, went down. We got lucky a few times w/ having vehicles in the right place at the right time to snatch people up, like the General and his jerk of an Aide, but we’ve had to turn a lot of people away w/ unanswered questions about when they will be able to return. The system was down for 24 hours, but just came back up about 2 hours ago. We’re still trying to sift through the carnage to see what’s left for us to coordinate. Too many fires to put out, several hiccups and boo-boos that just needed a quick “band-aid” but I am anxiously awaiting for the end of this conference.

The weather here is still getting warmer, and we’re already in the 100s. I’m told that it can get up to 120s in the peak summer months. AND, that it gets as low as the 20’s in the winter. Now normally that wouldn’t be such a big deal, cuz we’ve got plenty of pretty good cold weather (WX) gear. But then somebody reminded me that I live in a PLYWOOD building… Yikes, hadn’t thought of that… Guess I’ll be sleeping in all that cold wx gear…

There are about 60 people here on the base, mostly Army, but also Navy and Air Force. Turns out the Commanding Officer is also a UW grad (go DAWGs – beat WSU!) ha ha ha. Don’t remind me, I know our football program is in the crapper currently... At least we won Apple Cup!

I guess I’ll wrap it up, hopefully you weren’t bored too badly (hey, wake up!!) and I’ll try to send shorter, more frequent updates… Fair enough? Hope you’re all well, and I do appreciate all the kind thoughts and prayers.

Much Love, Michael

It all started when...

This is my Godson, Cameron (RT) and his brother, Dalton (LT). I'm in the middle in case you couldn't figure that one out... This was taken the day after Cameron's 7th Birthday in Sigonella, Sicily. After years apart they finally moved to Virginia Beach, just in time to say good-bye as I packed up for Afghanistan. Sad, but true.

Back in January I was notified by my command that I'd been selected for an IA (Individual Augmentation), but was informed by my CO (Commanding Officer) that he'd been assured that I was an 'alternate' and would go thru the training, return to my command and be on 'stand-by' in case the 'primary' could not perform the mission for any reason. He was told that "they had never had to use an 'alternate' on the officer side of the house." About two weeks later when my orders arrived it appeared that my 'alternate' status had mysteriously been changed to 'primary' without any explanation or warning. In my typical way (of course that being; witty and sarcastic sense of humor and charm), I drafted the following email:

Subject: New development

Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2007 17:18:54 -0500

Dear Family and Friends,

Late yesterday afternoon I was informed that my "alternate" status had just been upgraded to "primary" for a one year all expense paid trip to Afghanistan. I will report next month to Fort Riley, Kansas for 8 weeks of training followed by twelve months "in country" in Afghanistan. The reason for my IA (individual augmentation) is a Navy-wide effort to help support "critical" Army billets that can't be filled from their ranks. In case you can't read between the lines, this should read: The Army sucks and can't manage their own personnel, so now they've come pleading to the Navy asking to put our people into jobs they need filled... Not jobs in which we have been training for four or five years, like say, flying helicopters (BTW I volunteered for "air ambulance a year ago), but grunt jobs such as OIC (officer in charge) of a "reconstruction team," whatever that means - guess I'll find out... I won't say that I'm happy with my recent selection, but I will now have the opportunity to make a genuine impact on the War on Terrorism.

My understanding is that training begins w/ a small surgical procedure in which 1/2 of my brain will be removed so that I can operate on the Army's level and won't be so brazen as to make any decisions on my wn. Followed closely by rote memorization on the immediate chain of command with which all decisions must be made. I think prior written permission is required in order to poop... I'll then be trained on small arms, the M9 handgun (which I understand is a piece of $H%T) and the M16 (also a piece of $H%T, but it holds more bullets...) and then onto the M240 which is what we use on our helicopter.

Each morning begins w/ PT (physical training) followed by language training; as I am told I will be trained in at least two languages. I'm still in the learning process of this exciting new challenge (or "opportunity" as the Army calls it), but will continue to provide periodic updates. Thanks in advance for your prayers, "well wishes" and keeping me in your thoughts.

All the best!

Michael

PS -> if I see bin Laden I'll be sure to say hello for everyone(translation: size 9 1/2 to the groin and a riflebutt to the temple...)

"I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well." - Roosevelt

That was then:

This is NOW...